I decided to share

[vikki]

After watching the video that Bloomz shared with us, I decided to share what is going on in my life.

My father had a stroke about 2 months ago. He was always the strong one in the family, he told all of us how it was, and how we should do it.

He co-signed for me to buy my flower shop 26 years ago, when I was just 25, and didn't know anything about anything...but he believed in me, and I proved him right... LOL

He believed in me, which I will never forget, no matter how long I live.

I now am in the position that I have to take care of him. I had to put him in a nursing home a few weeks ago. It has just killed me. I am taking care of his business, a market and deli, that he still owns at 76. ( because he just loves the customers, whom he considers his friends) I am trying to run it and my flower shop, which seems overwhelming at times.

It didn't just come on all at one time. I have been doing his books, payroll, and taxes for the last couple of years. There have been times that I have gotten so angry that I had to do this along with run my own business, plus be a good grandma. (my grandkids mean everything to me) You never think that you will have to be a parent to your parents, let alone try to be a wonderful grandmother.

I think it is called the sandwich generation. I just know that I may be tired, but I will always be there for my Mom and Dad, plus my grandchildren.

Overwhelmed, that is how I feel.. But I will do the best I can, and take 1 day at a time.

And the video that I just watched reminded me of why I do this everyday, and will continue to.

 

[Carrieann]

warm thoughts coming your way!!

As you said, one day at a time. As overwhelming as everything may seem you are doing exactly what you were meant to do. Could you imagine not taking care of your father, his business or your grandkids? As I read your post I can see your answer is no. Just take everything one day, one hour, and one thing at a time. And remember to take a little time for you too.

Lean on your friends and family for a ear, a shoulder, and support when needed. (you are surrounded by friends here)

I am sending you and your family the warmest thoughts possible.

 

[Bigted]

Vikki, good luck to you. It's a difficult journey that you're going through now. From my personal experience, your family and friends do care, so don't try and take on all of this burden by yourself.

 

[Tammy]

Vikki, Please keep in mind that caregivers very often forget to take care of themselves. And let your family and friends help with your burden, sometimes they are just waiting for you to ask. There is no doubt that you are a wonderful Grandmother and Daughter, and not getting it all perfect doesn't mean that you love them any less!
Hope you'll feel the lift of all the extra prayers and good thoughts from your friends here.

 

[Luc]

Strenght you probably think you never knew. I am in the same position with my mom in some ways. WE have to take care of their affairs, take care of our and sometime of others. When I get the "blues" of doing doing doing everything, I need to find time for me, myself and I. We need to say, I out of here!!!!!
Even if it is for one day, even out of town or at a spa for the day.
Time to re charge your energy.
You are taking care of his business because he saw what you have done with yours.
You are strong women with a weak moment. We all go through that at times.
WIshing you strengh, love and the guts to say Fuc*k it for a day!!

Luc

 

[Rhonda]

Vicki, I am almost there with my Dad. I think it's his last winter in FL as the doctors down there decided that his legs aren't going to work much anymore (this after intensive PT here before he went to FL and he was doing great, progressing etc) basically denying anything his Drs. here and his physical therapist were encouraging him to do.
When he is here, I have to cook, arrange for someone to clean for him, tell him how to run the computer *ugh* ....it gets more and more every summer. My vacation starts when he flies back to FL to his companion who goes before him.
I fear for next winter with him staying here in the cold.
I have 2 other sisters who don't have any time for him (although they say "just let me know...") and feel as though he didn't do enough for them when they were young. double aarrgghhh...
Do what you have to do, keep your sanity and health, and enjoy any good times and let go of any bad. Life is too short and to have spent part of it with a parent when they were strong, allows us to take the parts where they need us to be strong.

 

[Mikey the Flower Guy]

Strenght you probably think you never knew. I am in the same position with my mom in some ways. WE have to take care of their affairs, take care of our and sometime of others. When I get the "blues" of doing doing doing everything, I need to find time for me, myself and I. We need to say, I out of here!!!!!
Even if it is for one day, even out of town or at a spa for the day.
Time to re charge your energy.
You are taking care of his business because he saw what you have done with yours.
You are strong women with a weak moment. We all go through that at times.
WIshing you strengh, love and the guts to say Fuc*k it for a day!!

Luc

LUC.....I WANT to say "something" about this but, I'm afraid you'll take it the wrong way!!

 

[vikki]

All of your kind posts brought tears to my eyes. I thank you all so much for your well wishes. I'm so sorry that some of you are in the same situation, or will be soon. It really is a heart breaker.

It is really difficult, I just love my parents so much, and it is so hard to deal with the emotional side of it all, let alone the business end. My Mom and Dad have been married for 55 years, it is so hard on both of them with him in the nursing home. They have always been the rocks of the family, and now it is my brothers and my turn. He does help alot, just doesn't know anything about the business end, but I don't know what I would do without him.

We did put his business up for sale. It is a wonderful Little Market and deli. They have fresh meats and cheeses, make wonderful sandwichs, plus soups, pasta dishes, etc. They also make the best homemade pies you have ever tasted. People flock in for their Bananna split, peanut butter, lemon, chocolate, and other creme pies. Their carmel apple nut two crust pie is to die for too. Have I made all of you hungry yet!!!!!

If you know of anyone who wants to move to Kansas and buy it let me know... LOL

The town will really miss it if we have to just close. I hope it doesn't come to that. It's a worry to as to what will happen when we do sell or close, it has been my Mom's social life for 25 years. She really does love all the customers, expecially the kids. They treat her so well, are always polite and even talk to her about their problems. She is a very special lady. My Dad is too, he misses all his customers and friends so much. They are such hard workers, can't believe they still own it at 76, they bought it when they sold their farm and moved to town to retire.. lol. Some retirement!

Anyway, I am rambling. Thanks again for all of your caring responses. I know we are not the first to go through this, and we won't be the last.

1 day at a time. That's about all a person can do in a situation like this.

 

[Mikey the Flower Guy]

Vikki...someone very powerful, has given you this path, through love, compassion, and family abilities, and this person's name is Vikki!!
Often we view these trials, as a "end" to a means, and your family commitments have proven to me, that you are the "strong one" in the family, and everyone has ALWAYS confided in your abilities, and your family's space in your heart.
I KNOW this, because you took the time to share this with us!!
This story is YOURS, BUT, you are NOT ALONE...MANY of us here, WITH, and WITHOUT CHILDREN/grandchildren, have many such stories to tell, and maybe, ONE day, we can ALL have a good cry over many of the things that we have ALL gone through!!
IF I could reach in, and HUG YOU, it would be right about NOW.......:hug:

 

[avenuegardensflorist]

....your situation brings back memories of 2 years ago for me. When you experience these life challanges it is like a blur and I always wondered how I was going to make it thru. You will make it. Have faith, remember the good times and be the best person you can be. Stay focused on the tasks at hand. Good luck.

 

[vikki]

Vikki...someone very powerful, has given you this path, through love, compassion, and family abilities, and this person's name is Vikki!!
Often we view these trials, as a "end" to a means, and your family commitments have proven to me, that you are the "strong one" in the family, and everyone has ALWAYS confided in your abilities, and your family's space in your heart.
I KNOW this, because you took the time to share this with us!!
This story is YOURS, BUT, you are NOT ALONE...MANY of us here, WITH, and WITHOUT CHILDREN/grandchildren, have many such stories to tell, and maybe, ONE day, we can ALL have a good cry over many of the things that we have ALL gone through!!
IF I could reach in, and HUG YOU, it would be right about NOW.......:hug:

I think you just did, thank you, I needed that!

Everyone's words and encouragement are really making me feel better. Sometimes you just get really blue, and feel all alone. It helps to remember and know that there are others who have been there, or are there right now, going through similar things and feelings.

We'll get through this, I have an incrediably wonderful close family. All the way from my parents through 4 generations. There are 22 of us total, not alot but we are mighty. Everyone is doing all that they can. Even dad's great grandkids are helping, they love to go out and bounce a balloon around the room with him, it helps his motorskills with his arm, and it puts a glorious smile on his face, to hear them laugh and giggle while they are playing with their papa!

 

[CHERYL BAKIN]

To Vicki & Rhonda:

Your posts bring back so many thoughts & memories that it is almost overwelming, since I have been caring for the elderly members of my family since I was about 23 years old....Tom & I are now caring for our sixth elderly relative....and he's 87, with parkinson's disease (among other illnesses).

My advice is that you need to do all the Planning and pre-planning as humanly possible. You need to involve your siblings, but everyone needs to agree on who is in charge or how the final decisions are to be made.
Powers of Attorney, Wills, Medical powers of attorney, Living Wills, where are the life insruance policies, whose been named as beneficiary, whose name is on the checking/savings accounts? how are bills being paid, etc, etc, etc, in addition to all the medical stuff that has to be dealt with daily.

Our parents become our children.....and life comes full circle again.

It is an emotional rollycoaster.......and not everyone rides the coaster at the same time and the same day.....

I have become very educated, thanks to the Pitt medical school library and the internet, on Cancer, Heart disease, infectious diseases, pneumonia, Hepatitis, Liver disease, cataracts and spinal stenosis. (My one sister says that if I am given a day, I can get you into the best specialist in the W. Pa area, with the correct questions to ask).

I have also become a real estate expert, a garage & estate sale guru, jack of all trades and a master of many. (The day before my parents house sale closed, I was up on the roof, re-tarring around ventilation pipes.)

All of this in addition to running my own business, and some of it while my husband worked in other states and foreign countries. My staff at the store is the best, and have afforded me the ability at times to do what I needed to do for my family.

How?????
You just get up every day, and put one foot in front of another, and do what you have to do that day. Tommorrow is another day, and you will do even more then. When I am overwhelmed and dog-tired, I pray for guidance and seek His help. He always answers.

I did not ask for this role or seek this role. It first fell to my because I was the oldest of 13 grandchildren, and my grandmother trusted no-one. It next fell to me because I was the oldest of 4 children, and more importantly, because I was the one that lived here.
The others happened because we were "here", "able" and whatever......

The caregiver role ends when the death occurs.....and then another role of Executrix begins. sometimes that has even been harder.

My prayers are with you both.....God speed, my friends, and I hope He makes your journey a little easier than mine has been.

Kind Regards,
Cheryl

 

[Victoria]

Vikki and Rhonda... you are good people with strong family driven foundations. Your parents have done a wonderful job with both of you.

Please remember to take care of you.

V

 

[Doug Hatcher]

Vikki

Vikki, the Cosmic is always unique and creative. You are part of the Cosmic so you are always unique and creative.

You will handle this experience in a unique and creative way that is just right for you and your family.

My best wishes and thoughts of support, strength and Peace Profound to you and your family.

Doug

 

[Twila]

This hits pretty close to home...

Not long ago, I too was in a similar situation. I feel your pain, your stress, your weary, your dread, your anger, your worry, your loss of the parent you once had and all the miriad of feelings you have. It's ok to feel those thoughts and feelings-for a long time I thought that I had to always be the perfect daughter. Like Luc said, sometimes you have to take time for yourself. If you aren't OK, you can't help anyone out.

As I am typing this, I have tears in my eyes, missing both my parents and the days that I could spend with them. It is incredibly hard when we become the "parents" to our parents.

I remember a time when I was helping my Dad in the bathroom. He commented on how much he hated having to rely on me for things like that. I told him that it was just pay back for all the years of him being a wonderful Father and that if the roles were reversed, he would be doing exactly the same for me. He admitted that he would indeed be helping me. I miss those days and my folks.

As hard as it is to have so much on your plate, try to cherish the time that you have with them. When things get too rough, don't hesitate to leave and come back at a later time or date when you are fresher and perhaps have a better attitude. It will be easier with your parents living in an assisted living home. They take very good care of the elderly and have lots for them to do everyday. My Mom loved where she lived. I only wished that she would have moved sooner. Having them there should help to relieve some of the stress from you. There is always someone to visit with them, so they are never alone-that was something that we always worried about our Mom.

Lastly, we women always take on guilt--about everything...whether it's real or not. I try so very hard to not feel guilty about things that are not in my control. You have done and are doing EVERYTHING that you can do. YOU NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING....LET GO OF ANY GUILT THAT YOU MAY THINK YOU HAVE. We don't need to put that on ourselves-we pack enough on our shoulders! You are a wonderful daughter!!!! Tell yourself that and belief that.

Sending tons of hugs your way...and always willing to talk if you need an ear.

Twila

 

[Connie]

My dear Vicki, it is a very long, hard, often lonely road that you are traveling. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago. His rare cancer went undiagnosed for almost a year as he grew weaker and with more pain and swelling. God was mericful to us in that Dad only lived about 4 months after he was diagnosed, and He spared us the misery of watching Dad die a slow, agonizing death which is common for that type of cancer. I took Dad to every one of his doctor's appointments during those final 4 months. I was with him when he took his last chemo, which within 2 weeks had killed him. But God was with us every step of the way. His comforting presence carried us through it all.

Mom had a knee replacement last June, then fell on Labor Day, breaking the patella of that knee. The surgery to correct that broken kneecap failed, and she now and forever more must wear a brace and use a walker. She can no longer drive (at 85 years of age, that is a blessing for the rest of us). She slips a bit deeper into dimentia with the passing of time, and she realizes that her mind is slipping. 'Tis sad indeed. The day will come when she will have to have more assistance that we can give her, and she will have to go into a nursing home, which has been a fear and dread for her. We, as you have done, will not do this to be rid of the burden, but because we are physically and educationally unable, unquailfied to give her what she needs.

I tell you all of this because FlowerChat was a continuous source of comfort and caring for me during those heartbreaking months before Dad died. The most wonderful people on earth read this board, and they will pray for you, give you words of wisdom, and will honestly care, really care about you and what you are facing.

God bless you, My Dear. You are in my prayers.......

 

[vikki]

Everyone, I can't even tell all of you how much your kind words have meant to me. I have been dealing with this for several months now, and I didn't share my personal emotional pain with anyone. It helps to know that I am not alone, nor am I the only one who has felt this overwhelming sense of loss.

Your stories, and well wishes are truely making me stronger. I am slowly letting go of the shock and anger that I felt when It all happened, (I mean, this wasn't supposed to happen to my Dad, he was the strong one, he always took care of us.)

He is showing improvement every day. I know it may be my wishful thinking, but I hope that we can take him home in a few months. He wants to be home, and my family and I want that for him. Even if it is only for a few months, I want to bring him home.

I hope that I can get through this time with as much class, grace, and compassion that I have seen from all of you wonderful people.