"in Lieu Of Flowers" Petition

[Mikey the Flower Guy]

N

I'm told by my local FD's that their profit margin was always built into the hard goods, ie: vault, casket and the rentals....hence their margin on a Urn is as you can imagine very small, and when the only thing they do is enbalm the body, and then convert it to ashes (by another company) there is little money made. The ones I know are looking to find ways to shift expenses, but are not finding a possible replacement.

Cremation will continue to grow in popularity as Da Boomers age, I'd be willin to bet it'll hit 50% within the next decade....

in some areas, the 50% plateau has already been breached, and now many/most of our local FH.'s are quickly becoming production line sympathy centres that make money in volumes, rather than substance!!
The "art" of death has been altered, it's not the once sombre final event in one's life...it's become the "event of gathering" of one's friends and family!!

 

[Gudrun]

Just a random thought here.....

The demise of the traditional sympathy floral work will not come from the "in lieu of flowers" but rather from the increasing trend in cremations.

I agree totally. That is a big trend up in our little northern town. Case in point, two years the original owner of Mann Florist passed away. He was cremated. There were two smallish arrangements on either side of the urn, a much larger arrangement from us, two from the wire services he was active in (we called them to let them know of his death) and a couple of other arrangements. I have always thought this was sad. This was the owner of the oldest flower shop in town, a man very dedicated to the floral industry. With a cremation and and visitation and service lasting only two hours, most of the population didn't even realize he had passed away. We actually had calls two weeks later asking if it was Ron Mann who passed away! If anyone deserved flowers (and I am not knocking charities here) he did! Gudrun

 

[Joe Mioux]

continuing my random thoughts.....

I have very very good realationships with my Funeral Directors. I speak freely with them as they with me.

We all have a vested interest in seeing that the traditional funeral service continues. More importantly, I believe that families deserve better than trying to cheap out on a no-visitation-direct-cremation funeral.

Families still need the grieving process and they still need to have friends express their condolescences.

This is important.

The funeral home is the stage and we provide the props.

I am reminded of a story that my parish priest conveyed in a surmon. This is a surmon took place 20 years ago. I still remember it.

He spoke of a person calling into a local late night talk show, hosted by Jim White, on KMOX in St Louis. The topic was Christmas gifts. The caller was proudly speaking about how she gave a very special gift to her sister. The caller said that her sister was very healthy and needed nothing. Instead of giving her a tangible gift, the caller gave her a donation -- in her name -- to a charity.

The caller was very proud of herself for making such a noble jesture.

However, Jim White, burst her bubble and chastised the caller for being cheap and cheatingg her sister out of a gift. He called the caller a cheapskate.

Gifts are meant to effect an emotion.

Donations are meant to help a cause.

Let's not cheat a grieving family.

Joe

 

[clay]

In Lieu Of by Funeral Director

I am going though some papers on things I might be interested in posting on our new sympathy website, and I found this In Lieu Of writen by a Funeral Directory that I thought was appropriate (I do not think it was posted before...if so sorry);

IN LIEU OF FLOWERS
Terry Henriksen, executive director, NDFDA (North Dakota Funeral Directors Association)

We have all heard this phrase—in fact, maybe we have even promoted it. After all hauling flowers from funeral home to church to nursing home and hospital (especially in the winter) isn’t a lot of fun. A short time ago, a dear friend and neighbor from my farm days was gravely ill. My mother and I went to see her the day before she died and on the way out the door my mother said “I think I’ll give a memorial to hospice.” The following day, we were notified that Ruth had died. I told mom that we would send flowers because Ruth loved flowers so much. Her yard was full of flowers and she spent a great deal of time tending the gardens. My mother started to cry and said yes, we should send flowers but she didn’t we were supposed to because they are so impractical.

I told mom that we don’t always have to be practical and this is one of those times. We did order flowers and we did feel good about it. Although there ware a good number of floral tributes at her funeral, we saw ours and the family certainly knew it was there. It mad us feel better to give such a personal gift.

I there a point to this story? I think there is. If we discourage the gift of flowers for funeral because we consider them impractical, what are we saying? Are we telling people that funerals should be practical? If we are, perhaps we could analyze what is practical about a funeral in the first place. Basically, the only practical part of the funeral is disposing of the body. If the act of memorializing the deceased should be practical, then it follows that just disposing of the body in the cheapest, easiest way, would be the thing to do.

We are funeral directors and most of us would be surprised what our client families expect from us. The expect direction and for the most part are unaware of what is “appropriate” and what is “customary”. Even those who turn away from “traditional” appreciate our expertise and knowledge and might benefit from our experience.

Think positively about what is meaningful and you and to the families you serve. Funeral service is just what the name implies- service! The more we cut out to save ourselves time and energy, the less families will come to expect. You know the rest of the story. Instead of making subtle (or not so subtle) comments about floral tributes, make a positive statement. Flowers, like music, the eulogy, the nice casket or urn, the personalized memorial folders and register book all make the funeral meaningful to the survivors and friends. Think of a nice way to stress the importance of allowing friends to give of themselves in a way important to them rather than tell people to skip the flowers and send memorials.

I feel we need to get back to some basics. The very oldest funerary evidence shows traces of floral tributes buried with the bodies. It was a kind and gentle offering then. Perhaps it is just as important today.

 

[NavyBrat]

An excellent and well placed "random thought" Joe... and you're right.

A look at the obits in many papers show the trend towards cremation is ever increasing. People are turning away from the traditional visitation and service and going for disposal.

It would be interesting to know how many of us on this board want cremation... I know I do, after they take whatever parts are useful to anyone who needs them. I've stipulated that a party or some sort of celebration should ensue, after which, I would really love to be scattered someplace exotic and warm.


V

I never realized how many decisions had to be made for a funeral until my father passed away. After making all the decisions for his funeral, I decided then and there that I never wanted my daughter to have to deal with making all the decisions for my funeral, so all the arrangements are made. No cremation for me...burial at sea...holes are drilled in the casket and a navy frigate will take casket to sea (makes sense for a NavyBrat, heh?) and yes, Victoria, I agree with the party idea. Already arranged for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, and my favorite music. Absolutely no viewing...simplicity in flowers with orchids and seashells...a cool video of the things I especially enjoyed in life. Oh...and aboslutely no fancy dress...pajamas will do nicely!

With regard to the petition-I signed this quite some time ago. For a while our local funeral directors were not using "in lieu of" but recently I have noticed the phrase appearing on a regular basis. A good plan for the slow of months during the summer-visit local funeral directors and request alternatives to using "in lieu of".

 

[Victoria]

"In lieu of a funeral" the deceased has requested ___________________(fill in the blank).



V

 

[mcf]

In Lieu of Flowers

Clay...love this! Thanks for posting it!

 

[clay]

InLieuOfFlowers.info

I am going though some papers on things I might be interested in posting on our new sympathy website, and I found this In Lieu Of writen by a Funeral Directory that I thought was appropriate

I had a person put together a press release on the positives of funeral flowers and addresses the ILOF, how would the best way to distribute it besides the funeral industry magazines/e-zines? Thanks.

 

[ivygreen]

a different take on in lieu of flowers...

This phrase has become too common, as many florists know. We feel the effects of this daily in our business. Today I have a different take on it.
We did a lot of work today for a man in his 30's killed in a horrific motorcycle crash. Every shop in town has sent flowers. I spoke with the FD and she said there is well over a hundred pieces. Because he was young, because of motorcycle friends, because of the sudden tragic devastion of it all. In lieu of flowers was in the obit...
Only this time it meant something.

His wife was riding with him. She is in critical care, and not expected to make it. The families are overwhelmed.
This time so many flowers seem like a waste to me. I did a $150.00 piece, and thought to myself that a piece half that size could have done and half that money to their expenses would have done nicely. In days they will probably be faced with all of this again. They were beloved, obvious from the outpouring of sentiment, and hopefully the family will take comfort in that in the months to come. It just seemd like an appropriate time to say in lieu of flowers..., and if it wasn't so overused, people may have done differently.

I was talking to the FD because I needed info on a private service for an infant. This was a wire order from a law firm, for a $140.00 standing spray. The instructions said take today to FH for Thurs., I called to verify because of the young man I just spoke of and figuring there was a lot going on. Obit read in lieu of. The FD said the family requested no flowers, balked at taking the order.(a whole 'nother story as we say) We discussed and decided on our shop delivering directly to the cemetary. Brief service, 9:00am, tomorrow. This cemetary has a serious deer problem, to the point they warn you off anything live. These flowers won't make it an hour after the family leaves this brief 20 min. service.
I call the sending shop. I say check with client, let them know the details, do you want something sent to the home, plant, fruit and gourmet, do they want to cancel and do something else...and so forth. Shop calls back, this is what they send, just do it.

In lieu of... often overused, sometimes appropriate.

 

[Carol Bice]

In Lieu Of

Ivygreen, I appreciate your point of view, but, disagree with you on this.

You only have a one time shot at having flowers at the funeral and that scene (with or without flowers) will always be remembered. The flowers do make a statement about a person's life.

Also, it is not your problem that they may have financial problems. The small amount of money that would have been given in lieu of flowers won't make a dent in their needs. The money will also not be a beautiful remembrance in years to come and they probably won't have a clue how it was spent.

Another point, when people do "in lieu", they tend to give only around $10.00 instead of the $50 to $100.00 they might have spent on flowers. Florist cannot keep donating their profits to the charities. I think most florists donate plenty of flowers, etc to charity and this would not continue if everyone felt that it was a waste.

I have no problem if memorials are suggested, but, please leave out "in lieu of flowers". Well, actually, I do have a problem with it, but, it is not nearly as offensive to me.

Carol Bice

 

[Michelle McMichael]

We often have famillies ordering pieces from us (and other senders as well) who comment "I know there will be LOTS of flowers there" or ask if we have a lot of pieces already. If by chance we don't get a lot of orders, I always feel so badly for the family. I have also been there watching when grieving family members look through the cards, talking about the thoughtfulness and relationship of each sender.
I really do agree that whether they realize it or not, the gesture of flowers is important to the family.

People who say that funeral floral tributes are a waste of money remind me of the bitter mothers at mother's day who complain that their son should have just sent them the money. How about appreciating the loving gesture?

 

[Tracy D'Amico]

I had a person put together a press release on the positives of funeral flowers and addresses the ILOF, how would the best way to distribute it besides the funeral industry magazines/e-zines? Thanks.

Is someone already blogging about it? Possibly another web area.

Are you trying to get it in the hands of traditional print papers & magazines also?

Good luck Clay - it's a great idea!

tracy

 

[ivygreen]

It is a great idea. I will check with a local FD tomorrow and see if I can find some other outlets for you.