Sensitive: newborn deaths

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Rhonda

Rhonda

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Nov 1, 2002
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Millinocket
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We have had two babies stillborn in the past week, second died today. Both of the families have chosen to have a picture of the baby put in the obituary. Both have asked to have the picture incorporated into the family flowers. I have an 8 X 10 picture of another child sitting in front of me and as with the other one this week, the child looks deceased. Is anyone else finding this to be a "trend"? Pictures of the stillborn child?
 
not something we are being asked to do here. I hope its just an odd coincidence with your shop. Its very hard to do funeral work for a child or young person....I can only imagine how difficult those pictures are for you.
 
The hospital encourages the parent to have a picture taken to have to take home. I have heard of people using them at the service, but not very often. This is usually something the immediate family keeps private to ease the fact that they are going home "empty handed". It is very hard on the mother psychologically, so I say whatever helps the healing process.
 
Rhonda at work said:
We have had two babies stillborn in the past week, second died today. Both of the families have chosen to have a picture of the baby put in the obituary. Both have asked to have the picture incorporated into the family flowers. I have an 8 X 10 picture of another child sitting in front of me and as with the other one this week, the child looks deceased. Is anyone else finding this to be a "trend"? Pictures of the stillborn child?
Click to expand...

Rhonda,

Just be glad it's only a picture. I actually heard of a funeral where the grandmother threw a fit and left the funeral home because the funeral director wouldn't let her hold her already embalmed grandson.
 
I have never had this request but I can answer it on a personal note. I had a son that was stillborn on Mother's Day three years ago and we were given pictures by the hospital but the only people we have let see them have been my parents and my daughter because it just seemed like a very private matter to us. I can say that there was a time in history that it was very common to have portraits of deceased babies which were framed and hung on the walls.
 
I know a photographer who specializes in this. It is actually a group of photogs Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
whose sole purpose is to document these babies' tender brief moments with their parents. It's a heartbreaking website, I believe they work at minimal to no fee.

We have only had one baby funeral since I've been here, and there were no photos at all. It was exceptionally sad. I think photos, like flowers, speak of a life lived - it would be hard to have none.

I do know about the post mortem photos of the past - I found one in an old family album from the early 1900's. I saw that photo many times before realizing the baby was not asleep.

sad sad stuff.

tracy
 
sad

I've only done one still born funeral since being in the business. The mother was a former bride of ours, she was terribly sick with cancer and was advised not to get pregnant. She did anyway, stopped her chemotherapy to do so. It was so sad she insisted on an open casket and a full 2 day viewing! Very very sad. Unfortunately the mother passed about a year later.

Talking about post mortem pics...it was quite common in our Western PA immigrant culture to photography bodies in at the funeral home. I have several (inherited) pictures of family members.
 
Deap people pics

Biscotti said:
Talking about post mortem pics...it was quite common in our Western PA immigrant culture to photography bodies in at the funeral home. I have several (inherited) pictures of family members.
Click to expand...

Not just Western PA immigrants... I'm originally from Westmoreland & Fayette County PA and my dad, who's not an immigrant, insisted on pics of my mom in her casket last year. He made me take them. It was creepy. I have seen this in my extended family before. Perhaps it's appalachian culture?

Tim - North Port Floral
 
Last year at my grandmother's funeral, her longtime employee from Haiti also took pictures of her in her casket... we almost jumped out of our seats when the flash went off. I also had an Italian friend many years ago, whose family took photos of their deceased family members in the casket.

tracy

found this on wikipedia. There is a link to a brief history about the topic.
 
We had a customer who delivered triplets early, two of them died. We did flowers for services however they were private family only. No pics. It's so sad when this happens.

We did have another customer who brought a pic to our framing dept of a niece who was born full term but had died just a day before delivery. She has the photo on her wall along with all her nieces and nephews.

As for the pictures of decedents in their casket, my husbands ancestors are from Finland and we have several pic of people in their caskets. The amazing thing is the flowers - they are beautiful
 
Twelve years ago, we had a son that was stillborn a few days before Father's Day. The hospital counseling team discussed the ways some parents cope with the loss, and one of them was to take photos. We chose not to.

But the families that do are coping the best way they can to survive the surreal experience. The photos can provide comfort, even if they discomfort others.

Vnance, my heart goes out to you. Stillbirth is a horror I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. As you know, parents still have to go through labor and delivery knowing their babies are deceased, and return home from the hospital to empty nurseries. The grief is profound.

On some level, going through the funeral process makes the experience 'real' and acknowledges the precious life. For us, seeing the beautiful flowers brought great comfort. It's that visual memory that makes recollections of the event bearable.

One of the toughest things to cope with are the well-intended expressions of sympathy (verbal or written) that are meant to be comforting but can have the opposite effect. To anyone dealing with a family (either on a personal or professional level) who's had a stillbirth, please choose your words carefully.
 
The first Mother's Day that we were in business, I was at the shop working on a baby's casket spray and other family pieces. It was sad to be away from my own family, but I kept reminding myself that the mother of this baby...well, you know...it brings tears even now as I remember that heartbroken grandmother and grandfather ordering the flowers for their first grandchild.

I don't tell this part of the story very often, but the grandparents wanted a floral cross. I searched and searched, but we had no cross, and because it was Saturday p.m. when the orders were placed, I could not obtain one. The grandparents decided on a heart instead. When I went into the shop on Sunday morning to start the funeral pieces, there was an oasis cross on the shelf beside the heart. This family has returned again and again to order flowers for the child's grave, and we always talk about the appearance of that cross where there had been none the day before.
 
Sadly I also had a still born Son about 12 years ago. The hospital did take a picture and gave to us. While we chose not to share the photos I think it's up to the parents to decide and others should go with there wishes. Our service was private. I was comforted by flowers that were sent to my house.
 
My heart goes out to all of you that have been through this terrible experience. I truly cannot imagine!

I think the important thing with any of our grieving customers, but especially those of the babies and children, is to do anything we can do to help them through the process. Even if it makes us uncomfortable. They need us to be understanding. And I am sure that most florists are.

We truly are honored to be a part of the most important occasions in our customers' lives. We are there when they get married, have babies and say goodbye to a loved one. What a privilege.

Wanda
 
I agree with what many of you have said. I lost a baby to anencephaly back in 1988. At that time, photos weren't taken. The emphasis was on "getting over it", "moving on". I can tell you when you come home engorged (sorry if too much info) and empty handed, it's hard to move on. I would have loved to have had pictures... something to hold. This was my first child, a very important person in our family... not someone I could just forget. I think it's very caring that hospital staff seems to realize now that the family would cherish a photo, a blanket, a little knit hat. Memory shelves and boxes of mementos of the baby are popular. I would love to have something like that.

I'm sure it's hard for outsiders to deal with such mementos. Please know that they are all the family has to remember a special little person for whom they had so much hope and so many plans.

Beth
 
Oops, I meant to send huge huge hugs to Cathy and vnance. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Beth :~(
 
Cathy and Beth- thank you for the kind words. I am sorry for the losses you have experienced as well. As you know, it is something that you never quite "get over" as the world would expect you to. When we lost our son James, the service was something that my husband and I choose to keep private as were the pictures. I cherish the pictures and my heart goes out to anyone that has gone thru this and does not have them. Ours are locked in a safe and have only been viewed by family. I did/do appreciate the way the hospital was so understanding during this time. I know what you mean about dealing with people that have gone thru this and the well meant things people say really hurting. I think the worst was the comments that we could "always try again" or "have another one". No one would dare make such a statement to someone that had just lost any other relative. I have made it a practice since then to do the pall at cost for the families that are unfortunate enough to experience this.
 
I know there pain

I know alot of people think it strange and etc but I also lost a baby. I was 23 weeks pregnant with my daughter Emily. I had to go into full labor and have her as if she would be alive when she entered this world. I had an epidural, and etc, I was in the hospital from December 12, 2006 until December 14, 2006. I have pictures of Emily and I treasure those pictures, even at 23 weeks, (she had all parts, eyes, nose, mouth, hands, feet, EVERYTHING). I have never shared them with anyone. I never thought something like loosing a baby would happen to me, boy was I wrong, I had no problems during the pregnancy or anything to show there was something wrong. I went in for my 5 month check up and they could not find Emily's heartbeat. My world came crashing down! I personally would have never asked someone to use her picture, BUT I do know people that have went full term and there babies were born sleeping ( words of Stillborn Society) they are beautiful and precious. It is hard to pick up and move on after you have been thru such a heartache it is like loosing a piece of yourself. Emily had tangled herself in her umbilical cord and that is why we lost our daughter. Please if those parents come in and want to use the pic of there child let them, you never know how much that might help in there healing and closure process. And also if they bring there baby up around you sometime, listen to them they might need to talk to someone about it. If you can't talk to them give them my e-mail addy I do not mind at all. Since I lost my daughter this past Decmeber, I have met so many mothers that have been thru similar situations and etc. I have also thru my job of making the last flowers for those babies ( since December I have had to make 4 other casket sprays for stillborns and I work in a small town), met some of the most wonderful mothers and fathers you could ever be around, they now contact me at home, if for nothing else but a thank you for being there and not thinking our last request were crazy. It helps to have people you can talk to and that have been in similar situations. I hope this helps, in case someone else is faced with a death of a child. Just remember we are there to help others as a major part of our jobs! Thanks for letting me share!
 
What people should know about pregnancy loss

CHR said:
But the families that do are coping the best way they can to survive the surreal experience. The photos can provide comfort, even if they discomfort others.

Stillbirth is a horror I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. As you know, parents still have to go through labor and delivery knowing their babies are deceased, and return home from the hospital to empty nurseries. The grief is profound.

On some level, going through the funeral process makes the experience 'real' and acknowledges the precious life. For us, seeing the beautiful flowers brought great comfort. It's that visual memory that makes recollections of the event bearable.

One of the toughest things to cope with are the well-intended expressions of sympathy (verbal or written) that are meant to be comforting but can have the opposite effect. To anyone dealing with a family (either on a personal or professional level) who's had a stillbirth, please choose your words carefully.
Click to expand...

I found this when I first experienced the loss of my daughter and I have it posted on my myspace blog. It is all so true!

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse.[/FONT]​
 
I am so profoundly sad for all of you... as I am in awe of your strength and courage to keep moving and living and creating family.

As many of you know I was in the funeral industry for many years. The saddest deaths were children and babies. I wept with each family... for I truly cannot imagine (nor do I want to), the pain.

Rhonda, we never had the experience you are having. However, one family who lost their pregnant daughter in an accident asked that we take a picture of her holding her baby girl (delivered in a failed attempt to save the child), in the casket. I did it... not sure how, but I did it.

Hugs to all of you... I wish they were real.

V
 
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